Thursday, June 26, 2008



1. What’s your full name?
Aaron Alexander Feldman

2. Age?

3. City?

4. What are you doing right now?
Answering this quiz lol

5. What are you listening to right now?
New Wolf Parade cd


6. Favourite colour?


7. Favourite Food?

barbecue duck on rice

8. Favourite movie?

Lol all of them

9. Favourite band?
Depends what mood I’m in, usually Arcade Fire

10. Favourite musical?
Mmm Cabaret maybe?


11. …slept in the same bed as someone of the opposite sex?


12. …laughed so hard you cried?


13. …kissed in the rain?


14. …been responsible for the death of a friend or loved one?

15. You heard me.
What kind of question is that?

16. Just answer it. Have you ever been responsible for the death of a friend or loved one?

I… no!

17. Are you sure about that?
Of course!

18. February 13th, 2006. Does that date mean anything to you?
What is this? Who the hell do you think you are?

19. I’m asking the questions. February 13th. Yes or no?
This is crazy. I don’t have to answer that.

20. How old do you think she’d be if she were alive today?

21. Hello? You still there?
She would’ve been 22.

22. She wanted to be a doctor, right?
A… she wanted to be a veterinarian.

23. That’s right. She loved animals.
I don’t want to do this anymore. Please. I-

24. And her voice. She had the most beautiful singing voice. What was that song she’d sing in the car?
Why are you doing this to me?

25. Oh, I remember. “Who will save your soul.”
She… loved that song…

26. She loved you too, you know.
I… I knew that. I loved her too!

27. Did you really? Is that what someone does to someone they love?
It wasn’t like that. It was an accident.

28. An accident.

29. You’re telling me you did everything you could to save her.
You think I don’t regret what happened? You think I haven’t thought about her every day for the past two years?

30. What was the last thing she said to you that night?
No… no… don’t do this. Please.

31. I’m sorry, was that you answering the question?
I can’t… no more… please…

32. Are you sure?
Yes… no more… please… Just… just ask me normal questions… I… can’t do this…

33. Fine. Most embarrassing moment?
… what?

34. Most embarrassing moment?
It… it was in grade 7. I was getting out of the pool and Matt Beamish pantsed me. I was wearing underwear underneath my swim shorts.

35. Earliest memory?
Sitting in a high chair, around 2 years old. I was eating ice cream and getting it all over my face.

36. Best vacation?
Probably France.

37. Aaron?

38. Why did you let me die?
Oh god.

39. Why did you let me die?
Oh god no.

40. Why did you let me die?
Not you…

41. Why did you let me die?
I didn’t-

42. Why did you let me die?
… never would have…

43. Why did you let me die?

…I can’t… I don’t…

44. Why did you let me die?

45. Why did you let me die?
…don’t… do this…

46. Why did you let me die?

47. Why did you let me die?

48. …

49. Of what?

Of a world where you were in pain. Of a world where people could hurt you and take advantage of you. Of a world that would teach you to hate and become as warped and bitter as I was. I could have saved you. I know that. Oh god I know that… but you would have hated me for that. It wasn’t my call to make, I know. And for that I’m truly sorry.

50. …

51. …
…Are you still there?

52. Summer or Winter?
Winter, definitely.

53. Chocolate or vanilla?
Vanilla ice cream with strawberry sauce.

54. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Mmmmaybe lol

55. Worst injury?
February 13th, 2006

56. Person most likely to take this quiz?
Hmm I dunno, maybe Dan?

57. Person least likely to take this quiz?
Um, probably Michelle.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The Real Hot Dogs

Last night I saw the second Narnia film, Prince Caspian, because I hate owning 12 dollars. Although I was fairly ambivalent about the movie, I still love watching films on opening nights because you potentially get to witness never-before-seen trailers before having them ruined on the internet.

Case in point...

I really don't know what to say about this trailer. I was considering being sarcastic and writing a post about how "awesome" this movie looks, but frankly I just can't bring myself to do it.

Because Oh. My. God.

I think, watching that trailer for the first time in theatres, I fully experienced the five stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance). Oh, and I also shat out of my mouth.

I really didn't like Prince Caspian, and I have a feeling that this trailer is partly to blame. Whenever something good happened in the movie, I'd be like "Awesome. Oh wait, I'm living in a world where Beverly Hills Chihuahua is possible. Fuck my life."

That being said, I'd argue that the advertisers may be genuises, because in the past 24 hours this trailer has been all I've managed to talk about. Well played, Disney. Well played.

Oh no wait. Fuck You.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

15 Jokes about Bananas I wrote in my Shakespeare II class instead of taking notes

Q: What do you call a fruit that plays tennis?
A: Banana Kournikova

Q: What do you call a fruit that has an affair in 19th century Russian literature?
A: Banana Karenina

Q: What do you call a fruit that sits three seats over from me in my Shakespeare II class?
A: Bananacleto D'Alessandro

Q: What do you call a fruit that stars in Téléfrançais?
A: Banananas

Q: What do you call it when you liken something to a fruit?
A: Bananalogy

Q: What do you call it when you study a fruit?
A: Bananalysis

Q: What do you call a fruit who starred in the Hulk?
A: Eric Banana

Q: What do you call a fruit who starred in Magnolia?
A: Tom Cruise

Q: Where do fruits go to shop for clothes?
A: Human Republic

Knock Knock
-Who's there?
-Banana who?
Banana na, na na na na. Hey hey hey, good bye.

Q: How did the banana avoid getting arrested?
A: He gave the cops the slip.

Q: Why did the banana go to see the doctor?
A: He had cancer.

Q: What's a fruit's favourite type of sex?
A: Bananal

Q: Why did the banana cross the road?
A: There was a Human Republic across the street (see above joke)

Q: What do you call it when you rearrange a fruit to form other fruits?
A: Bananagram

"Those are funny jokes, Aaron."

Monday, February 11, 2008

Aaron Feldman: Sex Columnist

Campus Kiss, the University of Windsor's very own sex column, has always been reputed for its ability to tackle many of the relevant issues facing today's sexually active youth. As a result, it is widely regarded as one of the most constantly rewarding sections of our university paper.

Personally, whenever I pick up my copy of the The Lance, the first thing I do is flip to the back and read what Ali the Sexpert has to say about the world. Sometimes funny, sometimes shocking, always informative, Campus Kiss has been a guiding force for many a young student on the cusp of sexual awakening.

So you can imagine my shock and delight, then, when The Lance asked me to write a guest-column.

Now, most people who know me know that I have the sexual technique of a cactus, but that didn't stop me from trying to write the most informative and hard-hitting sex column I could muster. While I severely doubt that I was able to touch upon the considerable precedent that Ali the Sexpert had established, I gave it my best. And damnit, if I can help just one university student reach their sexual awakening, then I've done my job.

You can read the article here. If anyone has any questions they feel weren't answered in my article, feel free to ask me any time.