Thursday, July 26, 2012

Dear Bane


Dearest Bane,

Glad to hear that our plan to detonate a nuclear bomb in Gotham City is progressing well. I'll admit, I was a bit nervous about Operation: Rig Entire City with Explosives, especially when the police commissioner stumbled across our underground operation, but it turns out I needn't have worried, as no one on the force believed him. You'd think they'd be extra careful after the Joker managed to plant explosives not only on multiple passenger ferries, but also a hospital as well. But I digress.

The reason I'm writing you this letter is because I've just heard that you've managed to cripple and capture the Batman. Congratulations, that's wonderful news! He's the one man who could have thwarted our plans, so as you can imagine this is a huge load off of my mind.

Now, that being said, it's important that we don't let this opportunity go to waste. I know that the sensible thing would be to kill him, but I also agree with you that his “punishment must be more severe”, as you like to point out. I think we're both on the same page that the best way to get revenge on him would be to chain him up and force him to watch a television broadcast of his precious Gotham slowly destroying itself over a period of five months. So let's go with that.

This brings me to my next point: imprisonment.

I know you're kind of keen to keep him in that one prison you spent most of your life in. You know, the one with the big open hole to climb out of. I understand your sentimental attachment, but it's absolutely crucial, and I can't stress this enough, that Batman be unable to escape. It's for this reason that I suggest we keep looking for other options. Preferably something with, I don't know, a roof.

I know, I know. You like the hole. It gives people “hope” that they might escape, which makes their despair sweeter or something. I get that. I do. But that only works if it's a false hope. If a fucking 8 year old can climb out of the prison, you know what that means? It means it's time for a new prison.

I have a feeling that I might not be able to sway you on this. If that's the case, may I humbly make a few other recommendations?

1. Post guards somewhere in the prison. We've got a whole lot of mercenaries at our disposal – so many that we can sacrifice them in a plane crash if we want. Can we maybe spare a handful of them to watch over this guy? Even just one would give me much more peace of mind. He doesn't even need to be able to stop Batman from escaping. It'd be enough just to keep us informed if Batman does climb out of the prison. Or even to fix the television if Batman destroys it. After all, if he can't watch his city's turmoil, then what's the point of any of this?

2. Can we maybe get rid of that rope? Not the one the prisoners use for climbing, I get why that one's there (give them hope, etc. etc.). I'm talking about the one above it. The one at the lip of the well. Maybe I'm neurotic but what if some villager or something stumbles across the prison? All he'd have to do is throw that rope down and everyone would be able to escape.

3. I'm super psyched that you broke Batman's back – that gave us a huge leg up. That being said, can you please, please, please not give him a cell next to anyone who could potentially fix him up? You know, like a prison doctor? I'd also rather you don't bunk him with anyone who happens to know your one weakness. That shit could really bite you in the ass.

I know it sounds like I'm being overly critical, but you should know that I really do appreciate all the work you're doing. We're making great progress, and will probably have the nuke in our hands soon. Father would be proud.

Best wishes,


P.S. In regards to your last letter: I'm certainly very flattered, but I value our friendship too much and would hate to jeopardize it.

1 comment:

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